Conflict resolution to overcome caregiving issues

monitoring | Senior Acceptance | caregivers | Supporting caregivers | Conflict Resolution

As seniors get older the care they need grows and changes through time. The majority of this care falls on the children of the aging parents. The problems that will be faced are difficult and emotionally draining. With changing conditions there will be many complex decision points. Disagreements can arise. Conflict resolution becomes an important skill. Those that take on this responsibility will need to reorder their lives and make compromises.



The perception of what is needed varies from one family member to another. This can be a constant source of stress and frustration. Since there is so much at stake, individual views and beliefs are held close. Relationships, if not already strained, now come under attack. Below is a list of issues that typically cause conflict among family members.

Volatile Problems

Daily Details: Defining what tasks should be taken on is always an area for disagreement. Some think that the senior is still able to function. Others may think that too little is being done. There may be stress over the amount of time and effort required. There may also be resentment that no one else is helping out. Conflict resolution needs to take place quickly to keep relationships working and functional.

Past disputes: As siblings growing up, there could have been unresolved conflict between brothers and sisters. These problems are not related to caring for senior parents. There personalities may have clashed. Or there could have been some problem that just was not resolved. This tendency of being opposed to each other carries over to issues of elder care.

Personality of the senior parent: Some parents are mild and accommodating. Others are sharp and demanding. With increasing health and mobility problems, an elderly parent may become depressed and hard to deal with. Depending on the personality of the sibling, there can be parent/child clashes. There can also be conflict between siblings if it appears that the parent is being mistreated.

Accepting medical diagnosis: For anyone in a hospital bed, there is a pressing desire to know what is wrong and what can be done to heal the loved one. Many times the diagnosis is not clear. For an aging patient, having the strength to withstand harsh treatment and procedures is very trying. Often families are asked to make decisions about sustaining life if procedures don’t work. This can lead to doubts, fears, and disagreement.

Perspectives on Dying: One child may be at peace with the inevitable death of a parent. Another may be anxious, fighting to keep the loved one alive. Both love their parents, but view conditions differently. Hard feelings may develop as one appears not to care. On the other hand, the one who is fearful may be accused of not having faith pertaining to life after death.

Caring for both spouses: Often elder parents develop issues around the same time. This can be very complicated. One parent can be very demanding and the other meek and quiet. The desires and care for the dominant spouse, may diminish the care for the other. This can split siblings and cause resentment against a parent. The submissive spouse may also harbor hard feelings.

Imbalance in caregiving: If siblings are grown and have a family, their lives are already full. The responsibility of eldercare often falls on those who are single or who are in the closest location to the parents. This can lead to resentment that others are not pulling their weight. Care for seniors can be a fulltime occupation. This can lead to anger and frustration and depression.

Balancing immediate family with elder care: For those who have a family, there is a constant tension to split time between husband, children, and a elderly parent. As siblings request help from each other, there can be hurt feelings when a brother or sister just does not have the time. This can also cause guilt in the one not available.

Dividing inheritance: There are many opportunities for disagreement and conflict in this area. Siblings can vary greatly on perspective and need. Differences in opinion can exist on the worth of each asset. There will be questions on what should be sold and what should be kept in the family. How the assets are distributed can also divide family members. The aging parents can also be offended by the responses of their children.

Keeping up with job responsibilities: This can be very stressful for all family members. Regardless of the level of involvement, there is always more that could be done for the elderly parent. If others are more involved, there can be a sense of guilt. Other siblings may resent your lack of participation. The employer is more distant and could be less understanding. Taking the required time could threaten job security or job performance.

Location of housing: In most cases, seniors prefer staying in an environment that they are familiar with and most comfortable. Often this is the long term family home. Considerable investment and time has been expended. There is a sense of pride in what has been accomplished. The siblings, on the other hand, see problems with the quality of care and the risk of injury. Medical and other expenses may require that the house be sold.

Results of Conflict

Care for an elder parent can be an extreme battleground. It touches all who are involved. There is pressure on everyone from the senior parent to the grandchildren. Emotions run from hope to discouragement and from resolve to fear. For those on the front lines, the experience is the most intense.

When there is hard feelings, disagreement, conflict, and fighting among family members, a difficult situation becomes even more daunting. The following hazards are common when faced with difficult eldercare:

• Family relationships are harmed. Siblings become alienated from each other.
• Senior parents are hurt when their children fight. Disappointment sets in when display negative behavior.
• Eldercare becomes less than desirable. Reduced communication results in lack of action or activities that are counterproductive.
• Stress in the homes of siblings. The negative experiences around eldercare rub off on other family members.
• Performance at work is reduced. Employers won’t have the full picture and won’t be as empathetic as family would be.
• Personal health. Medical expenses will rise and increased effort will be required to regain health.
• Out of pocket expenses. What is spent to meet the needs of eldercare can be substantial. Housing, medical, food, etc.
• Depression. The stress of eldercare can lead to anger and bitterness.
• Guilt. Self esteem can be impacted, knowing that parent was not well cared for.

Resolution

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Conflict resolution is a skill that used frequently in Elder care.

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