Family and relatives

Priorities | Activities | Environment | Relatives | Travel | Crisis

The family unit faces many pressures from personal priorities, the work environment, and from society in general. Many of these factors are healthy and good. Unfortunately, there are also negative influences that can undermine unity and pull families apart. A strong support system is needed to keep the family unit strong and unified.

This support could come from friends and other groups that share common issues and experiences. Long standing friendships like this are highly valued and are worth guarding and nurturing. These types of relationships, however, can be surprisingly rare. People are very busy and often move to new locations or into new situations that make it hard to stay close.

In the case of family and relatives there are still issues that can be challenging. None the less, the special nature of family and its structure make it worth pursuing. Family continues in place even after periods of separation. The care and concern of loved ones is usually deeper than that of acquaintances or friends. There is a permanent connection and usually a solid intention for good will.

Close ties with relatives can provide encouragement, friendship, as well as tradition. The following table lists some of the key needs that individuals and families face:

Encouragement through experience

As families grow and expand out in different directions, there is a wealth of information and experience that develops over time. As siblings grow up, the experience of older brothers and sisters can help smooth out life transitions. As new spouses get added to the extended family, new insight and color comes with them into their new extended family.

The challenge is to find ways to stay in touch so that encouragement is possible. When distance is a factor, it is natural to have relationships slip to the back burner. It is important to find ways to stay connected and keep current with loved ones.

Staying isolated from family limits the possibility for encouragement. Problems and crisis sometimes create barriers that keep people separated. As family interaction occurs there is increased opportunity to share life and needs. Being open and humble about issues and problems is required to grow confident in family. It still takes time and effort and sometimes sacrifices to build effective relationships. There are some issues, however, that should be kept private.

Enjoying supportive friendships

Friendships can be developed through family or through normal social interactions. Relationships that grow out of common interests or goals start easily with minimal commitment. In most cases, these friendships start with focus on the activity itself. When the activity ends, the friendship usually ends. There was no commitment beyond this and none was intended.

Occasionally, these social relationships continue. The focus expands into other areas of life. Goals and dreams are shared as well as doubts and fears. A supportive relationship is developed. This happens commonly with single adults. They may be exploring possibility of marriage or just building good friendships with other singles.

Once married, husband and wife continue to build there own friendship. Other relationships naturally revert back to more surface, activity based friendships. As children come along, attention on immediate family is a priority.

Shifting geographic locations is another issue that can diminish friendships. It takes a concerted effort to build meaningful relationships outside the immediate family and to keeping them going.

Friendship should be encouraged and sought after, both inside the extended family and within your social sphere. The extended family is often overlooked for finding valuable and meaningful relationships. In-laws may share many of the same interests and challenges. There is a dynamic of permanence since the friend is also an extended family member. These friendships add strength and also build family unity.

Traditions that last

Families tend to get together for special holidays, birthdays, and other events. Through these activities there is an opportunity to strengthen relationships, build communication, and accumulate memories. There is a deeper feeling of family importance and connectedness. These types of activities tend to build into traditions over time.

For many people, months or years may slip away without seeing other loved ones. Catching up on what is going on with family could provide significant encouragement. Showing love, attention, and care can rejuvenate someone who faces challenges back home. It is also an opportunity deepen mutual faith on days such as Christmas and Thanksgiving. Being fortified through being with family in this way will build the desire to continue together.

Traditional family times are also a great way to reestablish and improve communication. Out of necessity, communication between family members often takes place at a distance. Issues, challenges, and concerns are not usually fully understood. Problems are out of sight and not as personal.

When families do come together, they not only enjoy the special occasion, but are able to reconnect with others. Having a clearer picture of what is going on in lives of other family members makes it easier to support and encourage. The sweetness of these types of relationships repeatedly draws families together.

Family gatherings are also great for reflecting on the past and for building new memories. These memories can be passed on from one generation to the next. As the family grows out like the branches of a tree, sharing common experiences deepens family unity and identity. The connection to family and the associated memories can remind us of what is truly important in life.

The challenge of preparation

Strong relationships, memories, and experiences add a strong support base for any family. All of this is good, but it does not always come without a price. There are issues that can cause stress or conflict around these relationships. Whether it is preparing to receive visitors or preparing to travel to family, the details can be overwhelming, exhausting, and stressful. Also, spending time with relatives that are seen infrequently can be uncomfortable to say the least.

To have incoming extended family visit can also be very stressful. This can to especially true for the wife at home. Everything has to be cleaned and put in order. The home is her domain and she takes it very seriously. This can be a very tiring experience with so many demands all around. Sweeping, dusting, vacuuming, mopping, cleaning, and decorating cover some of the endless activities.

As time gets close, the pressure mounts. Help is hard to find. Children are not often tuned in to this effort. Their activities might even seem to be counterproductive and chaotic. The noise level may even go on up close to the time of guest arrival. Holidays are particularly busy. This may drain the joy out of the occasion. It is very important to maintain a balance and to reinforce family unity with relatives.

To overcome this, there are several things that could help:

• Plan for preparation to start at an earlier date.
• Enlist more help. Give children jobs.
• Encourage rest and relaxation breaks. Plan them in.
• Reduce other activities that make time schedules tight.
• Introduce humor.
• Play music to set a relaxed mood.

The challenges of reconnecting

You may have come from a large family. There may a number of brothers and sisters, many children, and even grandchildren. When this family gets together there could be 50 or more people converging on the parents home. This may be at Christmas or some other significant time during the year.

Over time, there may have been many happy memories from the past. But with infrequent contact, it is sometimes difficult to get close to others during short visits.

As the family spreads out, family members encounter unique circumstances and various levels of success or failure. People adopt different values and live different lifestyles. It can be awkward to find common ground. Reunions can be an excellent time to support others and to be supported in return. However, picking up relationships where they were in the past can be challenging. It is easy to leave a family reunion like this being empty and unfulfilled. What could have been done differently to make it more enjoyable and meaningful. Usually one does not have to look further than from within.

The asking following questions, helps keep things in perspective:

• How would I like to see the event roll out? What are my expectations?
• Am I willing to get outside of myself?
• Am I willing to share my life openly?. Is it appropriate?
• How can I help others to have a good time?
• Who do I think needs encouragement?
• Who do I need to get closer with?
• How could I get closer to selected individuals

With a large family or group of people, it can be stressful and impossible trying to connect with everyone. Here are some creative ways to stay in touch:

(1) Establish reminders that will help you stay in touch with individuals outside of the actual family gathering. This could be by phone, email, or letters. Create an action list that will periodically be reviewed. Take note of birthdays or other special occassions.

(2) Make an effort to visit individual homes. This is the best way to deepen relationships. It may be more relaxing and effective than waiting for a big family reunion.

(3) Have family projects that could be coordinated remotely. An example of this could be raising money to send other family members on a special trip. Another possibility is preplanning an activity for the next family gathering.

The benefits to maintain unity with family and relatives. It is well worth the effort.

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