How to be assertive with your spouse

To have a satisfying and happy marriage, it is important to know how to be assertive in a loving way. Your spouse can't read your mind and he or she will probably have their own agenda anyway. You need to be able to say what you think and do it in a way that will be understood and accepted.

What is Assertiveness?

To be assertive means that you can give your opinion confidently. This is best done with empathy and grace, not setting aside the feelings and needs of your spouse and others around you. It is not pounding others down to get your way. Instead, it is sharing what you need or believe.

It can also mean standing up for what you believe or to protect an asset that is rightly yours. You want to be treated fairly and are willing to earn the respect of others. Communicating your heart within marriage is not always easy. Mutual encouragement and respect is a good way to start.

How to be assertive: 10 positive steps

1. You only are sending the message:
The information or instruction that you are imparting about yourself should be coming from you. Don't hide behind someone else. Take responsibility for how you feel.

2. Say things the way you really see them:
Do not sugar coat or gloss over what you want to say. Emphasize the important parts so that the truth comes out.

3. Stay on topic:
To bring in vaguely related examples to support your position can confuse the issue. Also, attacking someone or their character just to elevate your position is wrong. State what you believe about a subject and leave it at that.

4. Avoid extreme language:
Often people will use words such as "only", "never", or "always" to make their case seem more important or necessary. Don't over dramatize. Let the truth to the talking.

5. Do not demand that others agree:
You can stand by over position even if others still don't agree. They have the right not to agree. You have done your part in being assertive and truthful. Don't set up additional communication barriers by holding the issue against others.

6. Defend what you know is true:
Even when others disagree, stay firm to your convictions. If you later see things differently, admit it, and change directions.

7. Be confident:
Present your case confidently, without being boastful or proud. Confidence and appearance are good persuaders. People listen when they see that you truly believe in what you are saying.

8. Know how to say 'No':
When asked to agree with a position, it is ok to disagree. If asked to participate in some action, it is fine to say no if you are not comfortable. Many say 'yes' so that they don't offend. Saying no is not truthful.

9. Don't take on every battle:
There are certain issues that are not your responsibility. Let someone else more qualified deal with the issue. There are also areas that have very little impact or significance. Leave these alone.

10. Don't look at everyone as your enemy:
Treat everyone fairly. Show acceptance to those you disagree with and keep the window of communication open.

Other resources about how to be assertive .....

Additional topics

Ability to work through arguments .
Able to deal with crisis or pressure .

Determined to stay away from negativity .
Refrain from subtle hints. Instead use positive words .
Don't shut your spouse out over hurts. Avoid using the silent treatment .
Look for opportunities to build esteem through the use of compliments .
Have frequent, lighthearted companionship through humor .
Draw spouse out your spouse by listening with empathy .
Express love to each other through love messages .

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Communication

  Nonverbal Communication

  Conflicts and Arguments
  Dealing with Crisis
  Negative attitudes
  How to be assertive
  Using positive language
  Avoiding silent treatment
  Building Self Esteem
  Priceless humor
  Active Listening
  Love Messages