Marriage conflicts are inevitable. Every couple brings their own unique view of how things should work into a relationship. Each has experienced life through the eyes of a different home environment and each has encountered problems in different ways. It is important now to work together to create a satisfying and happy life together. This is not so easy and it does not happen naturally...
Dealing with arguments
The definition of an argument is an exchange of opposite opinions or views that can become heated or bring about angry discussion. It can start with normal conversation, but quickly flare out of control. One spouse may try to persuade the other partner that their ideas or point of view is right.
Many times the disagreement escalates and there is no resolution. This shuts down any communication you had which sets the relationship up for further problems. On top of this, the issues in question do not get resolved. It is important to beware of this negative direction as it is occurring and take steps to work patiently through it.
10 Important steps for staying in harmony
1. Be alert to problems: When problems go unresolved or get ignored, the marriage suffers. Small issues become bigger. The pain caused by arguing may discourage further discussion. However, as the problems get worse, emotions become raw. This can lead to more intense arguments. Instead, deal with minor irritations and concerns as soon as possible.
2. Think through before discussing: Don't jump to conclusions about a problem, your mates response to something, or a questionable action. Think through how you responded and also consider what your spouse might be dealing with. Try to determine what is really important for the relationship and not just a selfish desire.
3. Stay focused on the one issue It is tempting to bring up other problems or past failures to lend more weight to your argument. This complicates the discussion and can cause bad feelings. It becomes harder to work out the problems and make good workable decisions. In addition, your spouse may not be able to keep up with your thought patterns and just give up.
4. Give it time: The temptation is to get the pain behind you or to move on to something more important. Don't rush to satisfy yourself and leave your mate still burdened by unsatisfactory results. Reserve enough time to talk about the issues. Let your partner know that you are willing to wait if need be.
5. Don't Attack person: Aggression does not prove that you are right. For many people, anger is a common response when they don't get their way. The direction of the discussion becomes more personal. Things are often said that belittle and offend. An attack will usually cause hard feelings, shut down the other spouse, and block any progress toward resolution.
6. Allow other person to speak for themselves: You may feel that you are the expert and have all the right answers. There is an attempt to dominate the airways by speaking fast or eloquently. Finishing their sentences for them or down playing what they say will not help. Putting words into their mouths will most likely block what they really think.
7. Ask for clarification: In a respectful, gentle way, ask your spouse to clarify their thinking. This shows you care and want to work toward the best solution. It is almost impossible to understand what another person is really thinking with just one pass. By repeating, the sender can further clarify leading to a better understanding.
8. Be honest: Share what you think. Don't be sarcastic or hide your true feelings. You may have been hurt and are trying to get back at your spouse without admitting your weakness. Pride needs to be set aside. You may also have an ulterior motive that would lead in a direction that you know would not sit well. Dishonest will cause more problems down the road.
9. Be thorough: You value the relationship and want the best solution. By rushing, the problem will probably repeat itself in another way. Couples often don't want to bother with trivial things. It takes discipline to set aside other more pleasant activities to spend time hashing out minor irritations.
10. Winning the argument: If things don't go your way, it's ok. Don't keep score. It is not a competition. So don't drive your spouse into the ground until they give in. There may need to be concessions. If the relationship is improved, you both win.
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