Nonverbal communication in marriage

Having good verbal communication skills is key to overcoming tension between spouses. Nonverbal communication is also important. Challenging circumstances can lead to misunderstandings even in the strongest relationships. The goal is to reduce barriers through good communication.

Tightly held beliefs, past history, or just human nature can bring on disagreement and conflict. Pressures then lead to irritation and cold words. During these times, good interactions go out the window.

At times of stress, communication tends to be intense. There can be criticism, outbursts of anger, or even hostility. At the other end of the scale, there can be silence, moodiness, and deception. Both extremes block effective communication and and lead to unsatisfactory resolution of issues.

Listen, Understand, Affirm

One very important aspect of communication is to validate what the other partner is saying. It is important to do this before pushing ideas back. It demonstrates love and acceptance for the other spouse and a respect for the other's concerns.

The process starts with listening. Undivided attention will build confidence that the listening spouse is hearing what is being said. Body language, eye contact, and a warm facial expression will invite clear and open communication. In stressful situations, it is important to not only hear but to understand what the other person means. Awareness of both the words and the nonverbal communication signals are important in fully receiving the message.

The receiving spouse should not interrupt or show disapproval while the message is being delivered. This can sometimes be excruciatingly difficult. The temptation is to quickly correct what we see wrong in the other person or in the situation being discussed.

It is important to repeat back what is heard. Misunderstood communication can then be restated and clarified. Don't rush. Don't judge the other person. Being critical, belittling or labeling the behavior of the other spouse only creates barriers. Find ways to affirm the partner.

Accept the emotion

In dealing with difficult family issues, there is often intense emotion involved around problems and crisis situations. Allow for the emotions of the other spouse. Don't take outbursts personnally or try to suppress them. Don't condemn, but continue working through the issues. Coming out of the other side successfully will make the marriage stronger. And the shoe may be on the other foot next time.

The wife needs to know that the husband won't just demand his way but will hear and value her opinion. This kind of communication is not natural. It takes time. A marriage reenergized by communication takes work and cooperation.

Don't jump to conclusions

One spouse may have a tendency to try and fix problems. The spouse who has the problem or issue is usually not looking for a quick fix but just to have their concerns validated.

None the less, we are immediately eager to step in and help. Sometimes this may be at the expense of the partner's feelings and needs. These well intentioned attempts to help may be pushed aside. The helper, in this case, could experience hurt feelings as well.

The one offering assistance needs to work through the communication to make sure what is really needed. Usually, the person in need actually wants to solve their own problems. Patient and understanding communication will greatly assist. This applies to both verbal and nonverbal communication.

Honesty

When problems do occur, feelings should be shared. Honesty can be difficult. A spouse may not share their heart for fear of rejection or just wanting to divert or suppress the pain of conflict.

The bottling up of percieved problems and emotions is not healthy for either party. Both spouses need to be able to share their feelings. Sharing issues can be humbling and risky. A partner could be hurt and won't admit it out of fear of appearing weak or vulnerable.

This downward spiral can happen over time. It can also happen quickly with an inappropriate comments or facial expressions. Honesty needs to be sprinkled with gentleness and patience.

It takes practice

Poor interaction between spouses is a draining process that can strain any marriage relationship. Regardless of how long a couple has been married, there are times when partners still miscommunicate and hurt each other. Without question, there is always room for growth. It is never too late to improve.

The following table lists some general questions to will help you assess how you are doing with communication.

Communication in Marriage
Description Very Pos Pos All Right Neg Very Neg

Do you spend time alone with your spouse?

Do you and your spouse fully express themselves?

Do unresolved issues continue to surface through time?

Do the actions taken by either spouse come back as a surprize or a shock?

Is there irritating issues between you and your spouse?

Do I want to change my spouse?

Does our communication tend to draw us together?

If the answer to any of these questions is "All right" or below, it may be good to look for ways to improvement interactions.

Proactive and regular communication is the best confidence builder. Make it a practice to raise potential concerns before they became problems. Even hypothetical concerns. This will give each spouse opportunity to improve communication in the marriage, grow in confidence, and feel accepted without being in crisis mode.

It is important to find quiet times away from distractions. If you have children, it is best to wait until they are down for the night. There could also be major activities that need to be finished before communication can take place. These things may require you to be up late at night, but the benefits are great.

Scheduling regular times helps to keep future problems from growing out of control. The practice of working through issues during relative calm will help sort things out during times of crisis. Focus on the communication and give each other feedback on how it is working.

It is challenging

Each spouse can have a different personality, a different background, and bring a different approach to problems. This can come with different role models, separate experiences, and different values growing up.

Difficulties with children is a good example. Working through issues of discipline and responsibility are sometimes challenging. For most spouses, they have not faced these things first hand before. Communication and understanding need to be in place for each hurdle that parents face. Issues should be addressed as early as they are percieved.

Clear, respectful communication can definitely be humbling and challenging at the same time. However, it is a key building block for caring and loving relationships.

The following points will greatly assist the communication process:

Show respect.
Express feelings honestly and quickly.
Patiently listen. Don't plan your own words as the other person is speaking.
Repeat what you heard. (Before sharing your own thoughts).
Put yourself in the other persons shoes.
Ask questions. Spouse may wonder if you care.
In humility, don't take a position of superiority.
Don't compare your situation with the ideal. Your marriage is unique - and rightly so.
Don't project a preconceived solution.

All marriages have work to do for both verbal and nonverbal communication. Marriage provides plenty of opportunities to work on it.

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