There are basically two types of communication: verbal and nonverbal. Having good verbal communication skills is essential to overcoming conflict between spouses. Nonverbal communication is just as important and reduces the pressure of difficult issues. Challenging circumstances can lead to misunderstandings even in the strongest relationships. The goal is to reduce barriers through effective communication and develop intimacy in marriage.
Tightly held beliefs, past history, or just human nature can bring on disagreement and conflict. Pressures then lead to irritation, cold words, or an angry face. During these times, good interactions go out the window.
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The issues surrounding communication
At times of stress, communication in marriage tends to be intense. There can be criticism, outbursts of anger, or even hostility. Nonverbal gestures can indicate frustration or impatience. At the other end of the scale, there can be silence, moodiness, and deception. Both extremes block effective communication and lead to unsatisfactory resolution of issues.
Being alert and paying attention to what is being spoken are skills needed to make communication effective. When one partner is talking or expressing feelings, the other spouse needs to be "listening" to what is said and how it is delivered. The connection between husband and wife is strengthened as the exchange of information is understood and acceptance shown.
Listening to normal conversation takes into account voice tone, emotion, and the content of what is being said. Nonverbal communication is also telling a story. Having the ability to take both areas into account will improve communication and help a marriage bond.
How good is your communication style?
Poor interaction between spouses is a draining process that can strain any marriage relationship. Regardless of how long a couple has been married, there are times when partners still miscommunicate and hurt each other. Without question, there is always room for growth. It is never too late to improve communication.
The following table lists some general questions to will help you assess the need for communication training.
Communication in Marriage
Description
Very Pos
Pos
All Right
Neg
Very Neg
Do you spend time alone with your spouse?
Do you and your spouse fully express themselves?
Do unresolved issues continue to surface through time?
Do the actions taken by either spouse come back as a surprize or a shock?
Is there irritating issues between you and your spouse?
Do I want to change my spouse?
Does our communication tend to draw us together?
Do you understand the love language of your spouse?
If the answer to any of these questions is "All right" or below, it may be good to look for ways to improvement interactions.
Proactive and regular communication is the best confidence builder. Make it a practice to raise potential concerns before they became problems. Even hypothetical concerns. This will give each spouse opportunity to improve communication in the marriage, grow in confidence, and feel accepted without being in crisis mode.
Touch is also an important aspect of communication in marriage. It can be a clear positive demonstration of affection and love.
It is important to find quiet times away from distractions. If you have children, it is best to wait until they are down for the night. There could also be major activities that need to be finished before communication can take place. These things may require you to be up late at night, but the benefits are great.
Scheduling regular times helps to keep future problems from growing out of control. The practice of working through issues during relative calm will help sort things out during times of crisis. Focus on positive communication in your marriage relationship and give each other feedback on how it is working.
The challenges of good interaction
Each spouse can have a different personality, a different background, and bring a different approach to problems. This can come with different role models, separate experiences, and different values growing up.
Difficulties with children is a good example. Working through issues of discipline and responsibility are sometimes challenging. For most spouses, they have not faced these things first hand before. Communication and understanding need to be in place for each hurdle that parents face. Issues should be addressed as early as they are percieved.
Listen, understand, & affirm the other person
One very important aspect of clear communication is to validate what the other partner is saying. It is important to do this before pushing ideas back. It demonstrates love and acceptance for the other spouse and a respect for the other's concerns.
The process starts with exercising listening skills. Undivided attention will build confidence that the listening spouse is hearing what is being said. There are many different types of nonverbal communication that can help enhance the marriage relationship and invite clear and effective communication. Examples of non verbal communication include nonverbal gestures such as body language, eye contact, and facial expressions. Communication barriers in relationships occur when there is a breakdown in any of these areas.
In stressful situations, it is important to not only hear but to understand what the other person means. Awareness of both well chosen words and nonverbal communication skills are important in fully receiving the message. How to read body language signs may be a challenge.
The receiving spouse should not interrupt or show disapproval while the message is being delivered. This can sometimes be excruciatingly difficult. The temptation is to quickly correct what we see wrong in the other person or in the situation being discussed.
It is important to repeat back what is heard. Misunderstood communication can then be restated and clarified. Don't rush. Don't judge the other person. Being critical, belittling or labeling the behavior of the other spouse only creates barriers to effective communication. Find ways to affirm the partner.
Dealing with emotions and venting
In addressing difficult family issues, there is often intense emotion involved around problems and crisis situations. Allow for the emotions of the other spouse. Don't take outbursts personnally or try to suppress them. Don't condemn, but continue working through the issues. Maintaining good body language in good open communication is a critical part of non verbal communication during stressful times. Coming out on the other side successfully will make the marriage stronger. And the shoe may be on the other foot next time.
The wife needs to know that the husband won't just demand his way but will hear and value her opinion. This type of communication is not natural. It takes time. A marriage built around open communication takes work and cooperation. Communication anxiety can cause fear and shut down interaction. This needs to be overcome.
Don't jump to conclusions
One spouse may have a tendency to try and fix problems. The spouse who has the problem or issue is usually not looking for a quick fix but just to have their concerns validated.
None the less, we are immediately eager to step in and help. Sometimes this may be at the expense of the partner's feelings and needs. These well intentioned attempts to help may be pushed aside. The helper, in this case, could experience hurt feelings as well.
The one offering assistance needs to work through the communication to make sure what is really needed. Usually, the person in need actually wants to solve their own problems. Patient and understanding communication in marriage will greatly assist. This applies to both verbal and nonverbal communication.
Treat others with honesty
When problems do occur, feelings should be shared. Honesty can be difficult. The importance of open communication in marriage can not be understated. Communication barriers come from all angles. A spouse may not share their heart for fear of rejection or just wanting to divert or suppress the pain of conflict.
The bottling up of percieved problems and emotions is not healthy for either party. Both spouses need to be able to share their feelings. Sharing issues can be humbling and risky. A partner could be hurt and won't admit it out of fear of appearing weak or vulnerable. The silent treatment sometimes follows.
This downward spiral can happen over time. It can also happen quickly with an inappropriate comments, sour facial expressions, negative nonverbal gestures. Honesty needs to be sprinkled with gentleness and patience.
Clear, respectful communication can definitely be humbling and challenging at the same time. However, it is a key building block for caring and loving relationships.
Summary of communication objectives
Here are some points of how to improve communication:
Show respect.
Express feelings honestly and quickly.
Patiently listen. Don't plan your own words as the other person is speaking.
Repeat what you heard. (Before sharing your own thoughts).
Put yourself in the other persons shoes.
Ask questions. Spouse may wonder if you care.
In humility, don't take a position of superiority.
Don't compare your situation with the ideal. Your marriage is unique - and rightly so.
Don't project a preconceived solution without clear communication.
Don't use body language to show irritation.
Communication in relationships is not easy. All marriages have work to do for both
verbal and nonverbal communication.
The importance of communication in marriage can not be neglected. It takes practice to develop good interpersonal skills.
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