Positive attitude is the outcome of patience

In the marriage relationship many changes take place through time. Both spouses change. There are changes physically, emotionally, and in attitude toward life and circumstances. As change takes place, the response of the other partner is critical in maintaining a supportive relationship. There needs to be a willingness to wait patiently for these changes to work themselves out. It requires a positive attitude toward the other partner.

Changes may involve family circumstances that need to be addressed. Or it can apply to problems within the marriage relationship itself. Many times the needed changes are slow in coming. Tough love is required to work through issues no matter how long it takes.

Waiting tends to be ackward and uncomfortable. Existing problems and conflicts are painful. While suffering under the weight of a difficult situation, it seems that resolution takes way too long. It is difficult to wait...and...wait...and...wait.

There can be numerous reasons for delay:

It could be that not everyone agrees on what should be done.
One or both partners does not have the ability to respond and resolve the issues. (or just requires more time)
Long standing relationship issues may take considerable time to work through.

It is important to actively address circumstances and people issues during trying times. At the same time, the marriage relationship needs to be preserved and improved. Patience is needed.

Patience has many attributes. It expresses confidence that the issues will be resolved. A positive attitude. It promotes the best interests of all involved. It does not insist on it's own timetable. Personal acceptance is shown even if problems are not immediately resolved.

Below is a list of common problems and compliants. The list is by no means complete.

Irritations in Marriage
# My spouse...

1. is away from home too much.

2. spends too much money.

3. tries to improve me.

4. is quick tempered.

5. is argumentative.

6. is undependable.

7. does not help out around the house.

8. is critical.

9. is critical.

10. is messy.

11. is alienated from my family of origin.

12. is not affectionate enough.

13. does not discipline the children correctly.

14. is not confident enough to get things done.

Calm under pressure

In the heat of the battle there can be negative responses that make interactions difficult. Tempers flair and demands are often made to push quick solutions. Stress can lead either spouse to make statements that hurt and offend.

This can create deeper problems in the relationship and the original issues are no closer to resolution. Under normal condictions these statements would not be spoken. Displaying patience and not reacting to the emotion, will go along way to getting through issues. Positive thinking sees ways to solve and not rip apart.

Sometimes the real problem isn't related to the current circumstances. Adults are notorieous for taking out their irritation on unrelated issues. A spouse may be expressing emotion over the situation in front of them, but the real issue is something totally unrelated. Could be earlier failures, exhaustion, or just being overwhelmed by life.

The key is not being offended by the outburst, but show genuine acceptance and empathy for the other spouse and their position.

Positive attitude and style

When one of the partners is upset, it is easy to take this negativity personally. The words may sound condemning or appear to place blame. This often sparks impatience, anger, or defensiveness back in return. Patience coupled with humility and selfcontrol are very necessary tools in turning the interaction around.

Often the issue is not focused toward either spouse. The upset partner is just venting about some external circumstance. Patiently waiting, and not being offended, is key to getting to the bottom line.

While talking through the issues, facial expression and body language contribute greatly to success or failure. If a defensive posture is taken or a sudden display of anger erupts, the partner may shut down. At this point, there now is a problem between the spouses.

On the other hand, if the marriage partners are actively engaged and receive communication with empathy, the results will be more positive. Through the tension, I need to demonstrate patience and willingness to work through the issues.

In relating to each other, tone of voice is critical. A significant portion of understanding comes from how the message is delivered. Not just the content. If I speak in a harsh or condeming way, barriers will be setup and tempers flare. It is easy to miss the real point.

Even if I think that the problem is being handled the wrong way, I should begin working through it gently from my partners perspective. I want to make my spouse feel confident that they can share what is on their heart without fear of rejection or misunderstanding.

Personnal Change

It is easy for one spouse to see flaws in their partner or issues in the marriage relationship in general. It is difficult, however, to raise these sensitive issues. It is sometimes even harder to get agreement on these issues and then actually pursuing the changes.

If the needed change is "on the table", it may still be hard to agree on what needs to be done. There may also be difference perspectives on the urgency of the problems. These barriers take time to work through. By staying supportive throughout the process, the relationship will be strengthened. This will lead to a marriage reenergized. Reenergized by patience and understanding.

Receiving constructive criticism

If you are the one being asked to change, the natural inclination is to become defensive or even hostile. Instead, the first response should be to openly, willingly, and carefully hear the concern.

This is not just the words that the spouse is communicating, but also "listening" for the circumstances surrounding the issue. Set aside time at the earliest opportunity and direct full attention to listen.

Being proactive in pursuing the changes is also very important. Giving priority to working through the concerns demonstrates love and concern. The marriage is strengthened and reenergized.

Be tactful while asking for change

If you are the one that sees the need for chance, approach it with care and sensitivity. There are no magic formulas. Honestly deliver the message in a nonconfrontive way.

Saying "I need you to change now..." will usually not get results and can cause resentment and bitterness. Expressing how you feel and making the conflict a joint issue, takes the pressure off of the other spouse. Allow them to suggest changes.

If issues are received negatively, wait an appropriate amount of time to readdress the issues. But don't ignore problems forever. To reenergize the marriage, conflicts and irritations need to be dealt with.

It is important to deliver sensitive issues in a calm, reasonable way. Tone of voice and emotional state should be taken into account before speaking. Do not try to get through the discussion in record time. And do not flood your spouse with too much information or negativity. Balance the issues with positive reassurance such as compliments or praise.

Don't give up

Either spouse may be aware of areas in their life that need to change. There could be major hurdles that take time and courage to address. Niether of the marriage partners should apply undue pressure or force timeframes for getting the changes done.

There are some things that just can't change. Both partners may need to live with certain conditions or limitations. There are some things we should not expect to see change at all. This will also require a special patience, understanding, and care.

The marriage is reenergized as both partners experience acceptance and encouragement during the change process. Problems may take considerable time to resolve. But these issues should always take a back seat to maintaining the relationship.

Patience will require listening, waiting, and not giving up. It requires setting aside my agenda and allowing issues to take as long as needed. When this is done a positive attitude lead to positive changes in the other spouse.

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