The use of silent treatment has no place in a marriage. It degrades and isolates its intended targets. When a person thinks that their spouse has inflicted some sort of pain or discomfort on them, an unforgiving spirit may then take hold. There follows a prolonged and concealed effort to get payback.
Another common form of this abuse occurs when there is disagreement. One partner may feel that by putting on a harsh,stony exterior, they can manipulate their spouse and thereby get their way. This passive aggressive behavior hurts the marriage and tears down good communication. Mental or emotional abuse is hard to prove, but non the less it still exists.
Who is the victim?
When someone stonewalls another person, the intent is to hurt or put pressure on them. This result is easily accomplished. At a minimum there will be confusion and probably a feeling of helplessness. There could also be fear, loneliness, and anger.
For the person using silent treatment, there can be the loss of respect and cooperation. There can be a sense of guilt, knowing that your actions are wrong and destructive.
Neither side will benefit and the relationship will be at risk.
How can the silent abuser make a change for the better
Most people who use this poor method of communication, will have their moments of grief and regret. It is this reflection that could provide the impetus to ask forgiveness and restore the relationship. Here are some questions that can make an impact:
1. How is my use of a cold shoulder impacting me? By pushing your spouse away, you are threatening the relationship. Do you want to lose it? Most likely not. While the silent treatment is going on, you are probably experiencing guilt, further pain, and depression.
2. How is our marriage being affected? There is a loss of companionship and unity. Your spouse is probably somewhat confused and feeling isolated. Communication is broken and there is a growing lack of trust.
3. What was it that originally upset me? Anger and pride may have set you off on this course of giving your spouse the silent treatment. Reassess what happened. Is it worth risking the relationship? Was it due to my own selfish interests.
4. What good do you think is being accomplished by such actions: The separation and loneliness don't seem to getting us anywhere. Any progress on the issues has stopped. In fact, more barriers seem to be put into place.
5. What needs to change about me: Marriage is not about what I can get for myself or about forcing my mate to bow down to my way of thinking. Instead, I need to take a more humble stand and elevate the needs of my spouse.
How can the receiving party stand against silent treatment
For the spouse who is suffering under this type of passive aggressive behavior, there are things you can do.
1. Check in with the other person. The initial flair up that caused the person to go into a shell may begin to fad. At least they may be open to some discussion. Look for good opportunities to reach out and begin the healing process. Your initiative may help the process along.
2. Consider whether this is a pattern. Has your spouse used silent treatment in the past to get what they want. If they think that it is a successful method, it will be repeated.
3. Think back to when behavior started. There will probably be some behavior on your part that triggered the negative response. The response was probably not right, but non the less it is happening. Think of what might have happened that you could acknowledge. It does not mean that you have done something wrong necessarily.
4. Plan carefully what you will say. Think through how your partner may have interpreted the event or problem. Start the conversation by letting him or her know that you are trying to understand their feelings and position.
5. Speak in private. Don't rush into a discussion when your spouse is preoccupied or around others. This most likely will cause a deeper rift. Be patient enough to wait for a better time. One option is to ask your spouse for a specific time. This will also prepare them for what is coming.
6. Apologize. Take responsibility any possible wrong that you may have committed. Even if you were not wrong, there may be a better way for you to respond in the future.
7. Tell your partner that you value them. Marriage will always have problems. Interactions will not always be good. Regardless of who is in the wrong, your marriage relationship is still more important.
8. Honestly express how the behavior makes you feel. Your spouse needs to know how you feel about being shut out. Share your feelings without tearing down your mate.
9. Repeat back your "understanding" of what is said: Make sure that you both know what happened. Understand why your spouse reacted to what was said or to a circumstance that may have caused pain.
10. Come to an agreement on how both of you can better handle this problem in the future: Revisit the circumstances. What could you say or do to navigate the issues next time. Make sure that warmth, empathy, and respect are key contributors to successfully deal with problems and surprises.
Final Thoughts The use of silent treatment blocks communication and progress. It also brings havoc into the relationship.
Other resources about the use of silent treatment .....
