Unforgivable wrong: Not in Marriage!

Marriage and a forgiving spirit together are characterized by humility, quick reconciliation, peace, and unity. On the other hand, when there are seemingly unforgivable issues the relationship tends to be hindered by pride, anger, bitterness, isolation, or the desire to "get back" at the other partner. There is no advantage to not choosing forgiveness.

Initial seeds of discord

There are many opportunities for marriages to be strained. Mistakes or faults can unintentionally offend or cause harm. Habits or idiosyncracies can irritate. Everyday circumstances bring pressure. It could be unfulfilled expectations or dreams that disappoint.

Comments spoken in haste, or even with good intentions, sometimes offend. There can also be simple decisions made where both parties don't agree. The conflict may not be immediately perceived. The offense may be small, but can become a problem if not dealt with quickly. These interactions don't have to become unforgivable.

Irritations can slip in over time. No marriage is immune. Sensitivity is needed to notice potential bitterness and deal with it before it gets blown out of proportion. Marriage problems often start out small. One spouse may be going through a slow burn over an issue while the other is totally oblivious.

Some habits are are unchangable. This is a great opportunity, however, to show your spouse love by being willing to make adjustments. Other lifestyle issues come about because of laziness or apathy. Ask forgiveness for the discomfort or disappointment that may have set in. There problems should be quickly addressed.

Pressures caused by everyday circumstances can seed discord. It could be a problem that both have a stake in. Issues such as time pressures, work overload, conflicts with extended family, money problems, or just carrying the fair share of housework. These issues may lead to one or both partners exploding occassionally. Quick forgiveness is in order. Give each other "space" to cool down and then restore the relationship. The following list contains areas that can impact the marriage relationship.

Common sources of bitterness and conflict
# Marriage issues stem from...

1. not spending time together.

2. not doing special things for spouse.

3. filling schedule with personal hobbies or activities.

4. not addressing family problems.

5. not sharing feelings.

6. not accepting flaws or mistakes.

7. lack of affection.

8. having different core values.

9. pressures of life.

10. not caring how my behavior impacts spouse.

Not getting a desired result may cause either spouse to harbor disappointment or hurt. Irritation can be triggered by fear, uncomfortable situations, unrealized dreams, or just being blocked from reaching a goal. This can be displayed by anger or a cold shoulder. The attempt is to pass the pain or guilt on to the other partner. This is always wrong. It is important to go back and ask forgiveness and clear the air.

Many situations start small, but the relationship always begins to suffer.

Human nature deepens the problems

Carrying this out further, a spouse can display negative behavior that is selfserving or prideful. This can come out as anger, harsh criticism, unreasonable demands, or even apathy. The receiving spouse often preceives that there is a wrong done that violated their rights.

These negative responses, lead to deeper resentment and distrust. When one partner is outwardly disrespectful or displays a negative attitude, bitterness begins to take root. It becomes increasingly difficult to work through the issues and restore the relationship. Instead things get worse. The offended spouse may develop an attitude that the issue is unforgivable.

It may be manifest by returning evil for evil. If the offending spouse is spotted making a mistake, it is seen as an opportunity to get even. The satisfaction of getting revenge is fleeting. The damage left behind becomes more entrenched.

Another negative approach is that one or both spouses shut down and become stony or unresponsive. If it is not dealt with, this can become a silent weapon used through time to punish the other partner. What started out as a negative circumstance is now directed toward the spouse personally.

Forgiveness Quotes
I can forgive, but I cannot forget, is only another way of saying, I will not forgive. Forgiveness ought to be like a cancelled note--torn in two, and burned up, so that it never can be shown against one. -- Henry Ward Beecher

We are all full of weakness and errors; let us mutually pardon each other our follies --Voltaire

Wrongs are often forgiven, but contempt never is. Our pride remembers it forever. --Lord Chesterfield

Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heal that has crushed it. --Mark Twain

Am I not destroying my enemies when I make friends of them?-- Abraham Lincoln

Bitterness drives relationship down

As issues remain unresolved, disagreements and direct conflict escalate. Arguments become more intense. Anger and hurt feelings deepen. One or both marriage partners becomes increasingly bitter. Verbal abuse, criticism, contempt, and loss of intimacy can slip into the relationship.

As time goes by, unresolved conflict can lead to explosive interactions. In the heat of the moment, reason is set aside and negative, unkind statements flow freely.

The charged emotion of the conflict may block seeing problems clearly. Neither partner may have been responsible for the original issues. However, damage to the relationship has taken place by not working through problems with warmth, empathy, and respect.

The need for forgiveness

Without forgiveness, the richness that marriage was intended to bring is lost. Barriers are setup that keep us from carrying out responsibilities or meeting needs. The problems spill over to other family members and friends like a sickness.

Others are driven away by the negativity and the lack of harmony. There is also physical and emotional suffering. Disagreement and separation will continue to grow. It often spreads into other unrelated areas.

The relationship with the other spouse continues to diminish. If forgiveness is not exercised, the marriage can fall by the wayside.

Feet stuck in the sand

Because of human nature, forgiveness is delayed, conditional, or does not come at all. Pride is often the barrier to restoring the relationship. Blame is put on the other person or the pain inflicted by the spouse is so great that "punishment" needs to stay in place.

The feeling is that "I am justified in my position". Since the other person is to blame, they should be the first to come forward and confess. Nothing less will do. If both sides feel this way, the relationship will continue to spiral down and bitterness will become more entrenched.

If either spouse has been mistreated or experienced pain through the marriage relationship, revenge instead of forgiveness is often the response. The person giving out the preceived punishment will continue to be hurt themselves through anger and emotional upheaval.

Another common barrier is tendency to feel that problems are too sensitive. We put off indefinitely trying to resolve it. It seems too painful. Sometimes it never gets resolved. This is a pity because it keeps the marriage from being as rich as it should be.

Digging out of the gutter

The pain that is being experienced or inflicted can be reversed. We often have blinders on that keep us from seeing wrong behavior or attitudes.

Sometimes it takes time to see problems and conflict. In most cases, however, both spouses know when interactions are less than loving. Humbly asking forgiveness should be a priority.

Quick forgiveness is very important. If the wife asks for forgiveness, the husband needs to give it instantly or as soon as possible. The best solution is to forgive even before being asked. Fast action will prevent most issues from taking root. The marriage reenergized by forgiveness is well worth this effort.

When one spouse points out a problem with their partner, the response back can be defensive. Issues may have festered for awhile. It's usually not pleasant to be confronted. Be sensitive to how and when issues are brought up.

The response is sometimes surprise, anger, or impatience. Don't demand immediate answers. Give time to think through issues. Sometimes it takes quiet separation to get clarity. Later, when the light finally dawns, the conflict can be addressed. Don't leave problems dangling forever, however.

Sensitivity and humility together are very important. Even if we are not wrong, forgiveness needs to be offered for behavior that was less than honoring. Many times the hurt comes from how something is said and not the issue itself. Unresolved hurt can create a distance in the relationship. Many other areas can be impacted over time.

Deep seeded conflict will require unpeeling the layers of issues. The feelings between spouses may be very negative. Working together on any issue may be difficult. There needs to be a safe place chiseled out for resolving problems.

Keep a positive attitude. Look for things that will build hope and trust into the other partner. The forgiveness and healing may take significant time. The wait may be long. Supporting each other needs to be a decision, not a feeling. This will provide the foundation for which forgiveness can be built.

Sometimes issues require an objective third party to help resolve. The emotions and the hurt between a couple may make it difficult to deal with. Marriages are always worth saving. It is never too late to reach out for help from expert counseling.

In summary , the following points are important in the area of forgiveness:

Ask forgiveness for the pain or damage that was caused to the other person.
Don't ask forgiveness for feelings that the other person is expressing.
Ask forgiveness because you want the relationship restored. Not whether the issue involved has actually been resolved.
Let the other party know that you want to be forgiven. Wait for a response. But don't demand it.
Make a commitment to yourself to keep the repaired relationship in right standing. Show the other person through time that you mean business.
If you forgive someone, also forget it. Don't hold the violation over their head.
Respond to spouse in positive ways - even if conflict resolution is not in sight.

The relationship with our spouse can help us grow as individuals. An unforgivable attitude hinders reconciliation. Amends should be offered quickly and the relationship restored.

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